|
garden hose and a bull frog.
as long as the bull frog is pooping on my chest.
you know, you always have to involve poop in some way! | comments: Afiŝu novan komenton   |
| three years ago around this time of year
i was forced to give some guy head at a bar. and he scared me so much that i thought i was going to die.
he punched me so hard in the jaw that i had a bruise all up the side of my face a couple days later.
he said if i didnt continue to give him head, he would make his friends find me, and they would use me as a whore as well. because that's all i was.
i felt bad about it at the time because when i met this kid, i was really drunk.
he was the boyfriend of some girl i went to highschool with.
those two facts make me feel really bad. like it was my fault.
it wasnt.
i know most of my friends think that i made this up. or that im overreacting.
i didnt talk about this for years.
but obviously, three years later, it still bothers me.
it really bothers me.
i wish i could get over this. | | comments: 3 komentoj or Afiŝu novan komenton |
| look. i know ive been shitty.
this one is actually for you.
you know what that means.
the reason i cant call you right now
is because ive gone back to all those old patterns
that i know drive you crazy.
so all i can say.
we have to drive.
im so sorry for my radio silence ways.
ill probably end up calling you.
and it will probably piss you off
because my voice is different and slurred and wrong.
even though all the sentiments are the same.
i still think of you, like, everyday, kid. | | comments: 1 komento or Afiŝu novan komenton |
| just to show you im still alive.
you know who you are this time.
but lately, im so whatever that i cant communicate in any other way except song lyrics.
so here.
do miss you.
And it's only doubts that we're counting
On fingers broken long ago
I read with every broken heart we should become
More adventurous
And if you banish me from your profits
And if I get banished from the kingdom up above
I'd sacrifice money and heaven all for love
Let me be loved, let me be loved
And if my brain quits, well I guess then that's just it
And if my hands stop working you can call me lazy
And if I get pregnant, I guess I'll just have the baby
Let it be loved, let me be loved
I've been trying to nod my head, but it's like I've got a broken neck
Wanting to say I will as my last testament
For me to be saved and you to be brave
We don't have to walk down that aisle
'Cause if marriage ain't enough
Well at least we'll be loved
I felt the wind on my cheek coming down from the east
And thought about how we are all as numerous as leaves on trees
And maybe ours is the cause of all mankind
Give love to make more, try to stay alive
I've been trying to nod my head, but it's like I've got a broken neck
Wanting to say I will as my last testament
For you to be saved and me to be brave
We don't have to walk down that aisle
'Cause if marriage ain't enough
Well at least we'll be loved | | comments: Afiŝu novan komenton |
| It was in the march of the winter I turned seventeen
That I bought those pills
I thought I would need
And I wrote a letter to my family
Said it's not your fault
And you've been good to me
Just lately I've been feeling
Like I don't belong
Like the ground's not mine to walk upon
And I've heard that music
Echo through the house
Where my grandmother drank
By herself
And I sat watching a flower
As it was withering
I was embarrassed by its honesty
So I'd prefer to be remembered as a smiling face
Not this fucking wreck
That's taken its place
So please forgive what I have done
No you can't stay mad at the setting sun
Cause we all get tired, I mean eventually
There is nothing left to do but sleep
But spring came bearing sunlight
Those persuasive rays
So I gave myself a few more days
My salvation it came, quite suddenly
When Justin spoke very plainly
He said "Of course it's your decision,
But just so you know,
If you decide to leave,
Soon I will follow"
I wrote this for a baby
Who has yet to be born
My brother's first child
I hope that womb's not too warm
Cause it's cold out here
And it'll be quite a shock
To breathe this air
To discover loss
So I'd like to make some changes
Before you arive
So when your new eyes meet mine
They won't see no lies
Just love.
Just love.
I will be pure
No, no, I know i will be pure
Like snow, like gold
---dear xxx. i like you, because when i drunkenly put on this song, and warned you that it would make me cry, you just said ok. but then after the second line, in your southern way, you told me it was "a sad one". when i asked you if you wanted me to switch it, you were hiding your tears too well, and you just nodded. and we've never spoken of this again.
bright eyes. bringing people together. | | comments: Afiŝu novan komenton |
| look.
sometimes i wish you would realise when im bullshitting.
trying to be ok for you.
please
onegai
ask me how i am.
fucking mean it.
im sad. im suicidal.
its not a warning. i just want to talk. | | comments: 4 komentoj or Afiŝu novan komenton |
| ehhhhhhh all of you that matter already know so:
crazy revealing post time
im getting my letter. hormones.
pea ess, grant.
i held up my side of the bargain and actually told my mom. i know we havent talked for uh ever, but thought youd like to know. | | comments: 2 komentoj or Afiŝu novan komenton |
| it is twelve twenty eight
on my twenty third year
and all i can think about
are the the objects in this house that are made of glass
or ceramic
and how i can use them to slit my own throat.
this used to mean something
[] | | comments: 1 komento or Afiŝu novan komenton |
| today i got rid of the spore permanently
as you could expect, drama ensued.
bad day but possibly ok days to come. | | comments: Afiŝu novan komenton |
| 涙雨
涙雨
涙雨
涙雨
涙雨
......
涙
help.
apparently work doesnt care what colour i dye my hair
so.
punk as fuck
please please please
you know.
where are you.
and i cant stop listening to ayu remixes
gas panic! why wont you dance with me there.
[bad grammar] | | comments: 2 komentoj or Afiŝu novan komenton |
| the other day, my mother asked me if i was happy.
out of the blue like that.
after a pause, i said. moderately.
but even that was a lie
even though im doing so much better. i dont know, nobody sees that. maybe they see it like an eye
of a storm
maybe they see me for the liar i am.
but.
im not happy.
im alive. and thats all.
happiness is
japanese neon lit alleyways. not belonging to anyone. to shooting this shit up my veins
to falling asleep to movies. to being thin. to trying to be thin. to making myself puke. to
having the secret that i do.
to being constantly sick and not telling you my symptoms
for fighting for nothing. nothing that matters.
to plaid pants and fur boots
cigarette stained fingers.
to missing work
staying up all night smoking
worrying
unagi over raisu
UFO catcher
houses with a line frames and small brown kitchens
hating that you love only one peice of me and the other peices make your head explode
all these little glimpses that i cling to and despair over and write shitty live journals over
that nobody addresses.
so im happy these things exist when they are happening but i know that they are so horrible that
they do. and that i relate to them that way
i say i am always sad for no reason.
i never connect.
im just some stupid boy that was never able to grow up
and i cant relate.
and even though ive made loads and strides sense those booze fueled times with my father
when i tried to slice my wrists open and i got mauled in that bar and i pissed all my money away
and i gained all my weight back and i stopped giving a fuck.
i have a job that has already given me a trophy and bonuses and whatever. and maybe my parents trust me again
through all that.
i still think about killing myself every other night.
and what makes me most sad is that obviously im always going to have to live with that. | | comments: 1 komento or Afiŝu novan komenton |
| nobody understands this urge that i have
to just gulp a gallon of vodka and cut them off myself.
i want to be like issei ishida's character in that movie.
i do remember his name.
this is me and all of this is
me | | comments: 2 komentoj or Afiŝu novan komenton |
| shit i dont say:
i wish i could be who i think i am.
there was more to this but it actually doesnt help to really tell you. | | comments: Afiŝu novan komenton |
| i wrote the below 6 years ago in february. im posting it here--well, for i dont know why. maybe because the people that read it 6 years ago arent my friends anymore. and the friends i have now didnt know me when i wrote it. or something.
whatever, it is important. here you go.:
maybe ill try and explain
and i dont want anyone commenting-even though comments are turned off i dont want anyone giving me their opinion on this at all
i see myself as a boy
even when i wear cute clothes-i seriously see myself as a boy in drag
when anyone touches my boobs-i hate it-i freak out cause something in my mind tells me i shouldnt have boobs
im tired of my body betraying me
im trying to get skinny
so my boobs will go away as much as they can-and i can hide them better
so my period will stop
i want my hip bones to make the boy-v and i dont want my waist to stand out from my hips
i want to look like a 13 year old boy
cause thats how i feel
its hard for me to have boyfriends-cause they see me as a girl and they want girl friends
besides- i think i drive boys away anyways-cause none of them seem to go out for me
and i cant have girlfriends that well-because well, lesbians want girls too, not girls that see themselves as 13 year old boys
its strange trying to tell anyone this cause they think im weird | | comments: 4 komentoj or Afiŝu novan komenton |
| i am a burden
and i try to do what i think is normal and it is not
and i get chastized or whatever
and half the time i know i am just making up these reactions
you know what i want for my birthday?
to feel known. | | comments: 2 komentoj or Afiŝu novan komenton |
| today i went to the bathroom to check on my nipple ring because it was in white hot excruciating pain
and it was soaking in blood.
like, blood was pouring out of both ends of the peircing.
so, fuck this shit. that thing has got to go.
i come back in and do a little more work thinking on how im going to get it out, because its been stuck in there for two years. i know its been fucked up forever, and the only reason the right one came out was because it migrated out a few months ago. it rebelled. but the left one has been holding down the fort. nobody at work had any wire cutters. so i figured i would just have to do this the old fashioned way.
so i went back into the handicapped stall and got a wet paper towel covered in hand soap and lubed it up and tried to get out the bead. finally the bead cracked in half and i was free.
im nipple ringless again.
i think im totally completely out of my peircing phase now.
it was a good run nipple rings. but ive tried to peirce you both unsuccessfully twice now, and i think our time together has come to a close. | | comments: Afiŝu novan komenton |
| im completely isolated.
i want to talk, but i feel like nobody gives a crap about what i want to talk about anyways.
mostly because nobody asks how im doing.
whaaambulance.
whatever.
i just havent felt this cut off before.
ive had a migraine every other day. i have one today. i just want to sleep all weekend long. | | comments: Afiŝu novan komenton |
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