urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:tokyoacid novha. novha. 2009-08-26T04:35:01Z urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:tokyoacid:119473 2009-08-26T04:35:01Z 2009-08-26T04:35:01Z <div class='appwidget appwidget-qotd' id='LJWidget_18'> <table cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0"><tr><td><div style='border: 1px solid #000; padding: 6px;'><p>What makes you feel sexy?</p><p style='font-size: 0.8em;'>Sponsored by <a href="http://clk.atdmt.com/NYC/go/164568177/direct;at.nycvsb00000177;ct.1/01/" target="_blank">Body by Victoria&reg;</a> from Victoria's Secret.</p><br /><p><input type="button" value="Answer" onclick="document.location.href='http://www.livejournal.com/update.bml?qotd=1043'" /> <a target="_blank" href="http://www.livejournal.com/misc/latestqotd.bml?qid=1043">View 525 Answers</a><img src="http://view.atdmt.com/NYC/view/164568177/direct;at.nycvsb00000177/01/" border='0' width='1' height='1' alt='' /></p></div></td></tr></table></div><!-- end .appwidget-qotd --> <br />garden hose and a bull frog.<br /><br /><br />as long as the bull frog is pooping on my chest.<br /><br />you know, you always have to involve poop in some way! urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:tokyoacid:119231 2009-07-31T07:00:13Z 2009-07-31T07:00:13Z three years ago around this time of year<br />i was forced to give some guy head at a bar. and he scared me so much that i thought i was going to die. <br />he punched me so hard in the jaw that i had a bruise all up the side of my face a couple days later.<br />he said if i didnt continue to give him head, he would make his friends find me, and they would use me as a whore as well. because that's all i was. <br />i felt bad about it at the time because when i met this kid, i was really drunk.<br />he was the boyfriend of some girl i went to highschool with. <br /><br />those two facts make me feel really bad. like it was my fault.<br />it wasnt.<br />i know most of my friends think that i made this up. or that im overreacting.<br /><br />i didnt talk about this for years. <br />but obviously, three years later, it still bothers me. <br /><br />it really bothers me. <br /><br />i wish i could get over this. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:tokyoacid:119003 2009-03-10T02:06:03Z 2009-03-10T02:06:03Z look. i know ive been shitty.<br />this one is actually for you.<br />you know what that means.<br /><br />the reason i cant call you <i> right now </i> <br />is because ive gone back to all those old patterns<br />that i know drive you crazy. <br /><br /><br />so all i can say.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />we have to drive.<br /><br />im so sorry for my radio silence ways. <br />ill probably end up calling you.<br />and it will probably piss you off<br />because my voice is different and slurred and wrong.<br /><br />even though all the sentiments are the same. <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />i still think of you, like, everyday, kid. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:tokyoacid:118591 2009-01-15T05:03:00Z 2009-01-15T05:03:00Z just to show you im still alive. <br />you know who you are this time.<br /><br />but lately, im so whatever that i cant communicate in any other way except song lyrics.<br />so here. <br /><br />do miss you.<br /><br /><b> And it's only doubts that we're counting<br />On fingers broken long ago<br />I read with every broken heart we should become<br />More adventurous<br />And if you banish me from your profits<br />And if I get banished from the kingdom up above<br />I'd sacrifice money and heaven all for love<br />Let me be loved, let me be loved<br /><br />And if my brain quits, well I guess then that's just it<br />And if my hands stop working you can call me lazy<br />And if I get pregnant, I guess I'll just have the baby<br />Let it be loved, let me be loved<br /><br />I've been trying to nod my head, but it's like I've got a broken neck<br />Wanting to say I will as my last testament<br />For me to be saved and you to be brave<br />We don't have to walk down that aisle<br />'Cause if marriage ain't enough<br />Well at least we'll be loved<br /><br />I felt the wind on my cheek coming down from the east<br />And thought about how we are all as numerous as leaves on trees<br />And maybe ours is the cause of all mankind<br />Give love to make more, try to stay alive<br /><br />I've been trying to nod my head, but it's like I've got a broken neck<br />Wanting to say I will as my last testament<br />For you to be saved and me to be brave<br />We don't have to walk down that aisle<br />'Cause if marriage ain't enough<br />Well at least we'll be loved </b> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:tokyoacid:118338 2008-12-24T02:23:14Z 2008-12-24T02:23:14Z It was in the march of the winter I turned seventeen<br />That I bought those pills<br />I thought I would need<br />And I wrote a letter to my family<br />Said it's not your fault<br />And you've been good to me<br />Just lately I've been feeling<br />Like I don't belong<br />Like the ground's not mine to walk upon<br />And I've heard that music<br />Echo through the house<br />Where my grandmother drank<br />By herself<br />And I sat watching a flower<br />As it was withering<br />I was embarrassed by its honesty<br />So I'd prefer to be remembered as a smiling face<br />Not this fucking wreck<br />That's taken its place<br /><br />So please forgive what I have done<br />No you can't stay mad at the setting sun<br />Cause we all get tired, I mean eventually<br />There is nothing left to do but sleep<br /><br />But spring came bearing sunlight<br />Those persuasive rays<br />So I gave myself a few more days<br />My salvation it came, quite suddenly<br />When Justin spoke very plainly<br />He said "Of course it's your decision,<br />But just so you know,<br />If you decide to leave,<br />Soon I will follow"<br /><br />I wrote this for a baby<br />Who has yet to be born<br />My brother's first child<br />I hope that womb's not too warm<br />Cause it's cold out here<br />And it'll be quite a shock<br />To breathe this air<br />To discover loss<br />So I'd like to make some changes<br />Before you arive<br />So when your new eyes meet mine<br />They won't see no lies<br />Just love.<br />Just love.<br /><br />I will be pure<br />No, no, I know i will be pure<br />Like snow, like gold<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />---dear xxx. i like you, because when i drunkenly put on this song, and warned you that it would make me cry, you just said ok. but then after the second line, in your southern way, you told me it was "a sad one". when i asked you if you wanted me to switch it, you were hiding your tears too well, and you just nodded. and we've never spoken of this again.<br /><br />bright eyes. bringing people together. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:tokyoacid:117889 2008-09-19T03:55:49Z 2008-09-19T03:55:49Z fuck you john.<br /><br />you dont know anything about me or what i do. \\\ urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:tokyoacid:117606 2008-09-05T04:06:33Z 2008-09-05T04:06:33Z look.<br /><br />sometimes i wish you would realise when im bullshitting.<br />trying to be ok for you.<br /><br /><br /><br />please<br />onegai<br /><br /><br />ask me how i am.<br /><br /><br />fucking mean it.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />im sad. im suicidal. <br />its not a warning. i just want to talk. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:tokyoacid:117346 2008-08-05T03:00:47Z 2008-08-05T03:00:47Z ehhhhhhh all of you that matter already know so:<br />crazy revealing post time<br /><br /><br /><br />im getting my letter. hormones.<br /><br /><br />pea ess, grant.<br />i held up my side of the bargain and actually told my mom. i know we havent talked for uh ever, but thought youd like to know. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:tokyoacid:117000 2008-07-17T05:29:30Z 2008-07-17T05:29:30Z it is twelve twenty eight<br />on my twenty third year<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />and all i can think about <br />are the the objects in this house that are made of glass<br />or ceramic<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />and how i can use them to slit my own throat. <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />this used to mean something<br />[] urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:tokyoacid:116825 2008-06-08T01:54:05Z 2008-06-08T01:54:05Z today i got rid of the spore permanently<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />as you could expect, drama ensued.<br />bad day but possibly ok days to come. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:tokyoacid:116481 2008-05-31T07:51:35Z 2008-05-31T07:53:42Z 涙雨<br />涙雨<br />涙雨<br />涙雨<br />涙雨<br /><br /><br />......<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><b> 涙 </b><br /><br />help.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />apparently work doesnt care what colour i dye my hair<br />so.<br /><br />punk as fuck<br /><br />please please please<br /><br />you know.<br /><br />where are you.<br /><br />and i cant stop listening to ayu remixes<br />gas panic! why wont you dance with me there.<br /><br /><br />[bad grammar] urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:tokyoacid:116348 2008-05-28T06:26:56Z 2008-05-28T06:28:54Z the other day, my mother asked me if i was happy.<br />out of the blue like that.<br /><br />after a pause, i said. moderately.<br /><br />but even that was a lie<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />even though im doing so much better. i dont know, nobody sees that. maybe they see it like an eye<br />of a storm<br />maybe they see me for the liar i am.<br /><br />but.<br /><br /><br />im not happy.<br />im alive. and thats all. <br /><br /><br />happiness is<br />japanese neon lit alleyways. not belonging to anyone. to shooting this shit up my veins<br />to falling asleep to movies. to being thin. to trying to be thin. to making myself puke. to <br />having the secret that i do.<br />to being constantly sick and not telling you my symptoms<br />for fighting for nothing. nothing that matters.<br />to plaid pants and fur boots<br />cigarette stained fingers.<br />to missing work<br />staying up all night smoking<br />worrying<br />unagi over raisu<br />UFO catcher<br />houses with a line frames and small brown kitchens<br />hating that you love only one peice of me and the other peices make your head explode<br /><br /><br />all these little glimpses that i cling to and despair over and write shitty live journals over<br />that nobody addresses.<br /><br />so im happy these things exist when they are happening but i know that they are so horrible that <br />they do. and that i relate to them that way<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />i say i am always sad for no reason.<br />i never connect.<br /><br /><br />im just some stupid boy that was never able to grow up<br />and i cant relate.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />and even though ive made loads and strides sense those booze fueled times with my father<br />when i tried to slice my wrists open and i got mauled in that bar and i pissed all my money away<br />and i gained all my weight back and i stopped giving a fuck.<br /><br />i have a job that has already given me a trophy and bonuses and whatever. and maybe my parents trust me again<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />through all that. <br />i still think about killing myself every other night. <br />and what makes me most sad is that obviously im always going to have to live with that. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:tokyoacid:116219 2008-04-29T04:43:49Z 2008-04-29T04:43:49Z hurt feelings are hurt. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:tokyoacid:115726 2008-04-28T05:36:01Z 2008-04-28T05:36:01Z nobody understands this urge that i have<br /><br /><br />to just gulp a gallon of vodka and cut them off myself.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />i want to be like issei ishida's character in that movie. <br />i do remember his name.<br /><br /><br />this is me and all of this is<br /><br /><br />me urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:tokyoacid:115488 2008-04-07T04:03:43Z 2008-04-07T04:03:43Z shit i dont say:<br /><br /><br />i wish i could be who i think i am.<br /><br /><br />there was more to this but it actually doesnt help to really tell you. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:tokyoacid:115444 2008-02-24T05:35:23Z 2008-02-24T05:35:23Z <b> i wrote the below 6 years ago in february. im posting it here--well, for i dont know why. maybe because the people that read it 6 years ago arent my friends anymore. and the friends i have now didnt know me when i wrote it. or something. <br /><br />whatever, it is important. here you go.: </b><br /><br /><br />maybe ill try and explain<br /><br />and i dont want anyone commenting-even though comments are turned off i dont want anyone giving me their opinion on this at all<br /><br />i see myself as a boy<br />even when i wear cute clothes-i seriously see myself as a boy in drag<br /><br />when anyone touches my boobs-i hate it-i freak out cause something in my mind tells me i shouldnt have boobs<br /><br />im tired of my body betraying me<br />im trying to get skinny<br />so my boobs will go away as much as they can-and i can hide them better<br />so my period will stop<br />i want my hip bones to make the boy-v and i dont want my waist to stand out from my hips<br /><br />i want to look like a 13 year old boy<br />cause thats how i feel<br /><br />its hard for me to have boyfriends-cause they see me as a girl and they want girl friends<br />besides- i think i drive boys away anyways-cause none of them seem to go out for me<br />and i cant have girlfriends that well-because well, lesbians want girls too, not girls that see themselves as 13 year old boys<br /><br />its strange trying to tell anyone this cause they think im weird urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:tokyoacid:115059 2008-02-13T05:53:21Z 2008-02-13T05:53:21Z i am a burden<br />and i try to do what i think is normal and it is not<br />and i get chastized or whatever<br />and half the time i know i am just making up these reactions<br /><br />you know what i want for my birthday?<br />to feel known. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:tokyoacid:114710 2008-02-05T00:14:07Z 2008-02-05T00:14:07Z today i went to the bathroom to check on my nipple ring because it was in white hot excruciating pain<br /><br />and it was soaking in blood.<br />like, blood was pouring out of both ends of the peircing.<br /><br />so, fuck this shit. that thing has got to go.<br /><br />i come back in and do a little more work thinking on how im going to get it out, because its been stuck in there for two years. i know its been fucked up forever, and the only reason the right one came out was because it migrated out a few months ago. it rebelled. but the left one has been holding down the fort. nobody at work had any wire cutters. so i figured i would just have to do this the old fashioned way.<br /><br />so i went back into the handicapped stall and got a wet paper towel covered in hand soap and lubed it up and tried to get out the bead. finally the bead cracked in half and i was free. <br /><br />im nipple ringless again. <br /><br />i think im totally completely out of my peircing phase now. <br />it was a good run nipple rings. but ive tried to peirce you both unsuccessfully twice now, and i think our time together has come to a close. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:tokyoacid:114485 2008-02-01T17:04:51Z 2008-02-01T17:04:51Z im completely isolated.<br />i want to talk, but i feel like nobody gives a crap about what i want to talk about anyways. <br />mostly because nobody asks how im doing.<br /><br />whaaambulance.<br /><br />whatever.<br />i just havent felt this cut off before. <br /><br />ive had a migraine every other day. i have one today. i just want to sleep all weekend long. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:tokyoacid:114324 2008-01-10T04:41:40Z 2008-01-10T04:41:40Z <a href="http://www.meez.com/novha" title="Meez 3D avatars and free games."><img src="http://images.meez.com/user09/3/9/5/9/2/1/8/3959218_bodyshot_300x400.gif" alt="Meez 3D avatar avatars games" border="0" /></a><img style="visibility:hidden;width:0px;height:0px;" border="0" width="0" height="0" src="http://counters.gigya.com/wildfire/CIMP/JnB*PTExOTk5NDAwNDY4NzUmcD*xMjYxMSZkPSZuPWxpdmVqb3VybmFs.jpg" /> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:tokyoacid:113923 2008-01-03T06:01:10Z 2008-01-03T06:02:06Z 寂しがる<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><b> 寂しがる</b><br /><br /><br />i cant say these things in english. and i cant really say them in japanese. <br />where does that leave me? urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:tokyoacid:113882 2007-12-24T03:54:54Z 2007-12-24T03:54:54Z 気持ち悪い<br />気持ち悪い<br />気持ち悪い<br />気持ち悪い<br />気持ち悪い<br />気持ち悪い<br />気持ち悪い<br />気持ち悪い<br />気持ち悪い<br />気持ち悪い<br />気持ち悪い<br />気持ち悪い<br />気持ち悪い<br />気持ち悪い<br />気持ち悪い<br />気持ち悪い<br />気持ち悪い<br />気持ち悪い<br />気持ち悪い<br />気持ち悪い<br />気持ち悪い<br />気持ち悪い<br />気持ち悪い<br />気持ち悪い<br />気持ち悪い<br />気持ち悪い<br />気持ち悪い<br /><b>気持ち悪い </b> urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:tokyoacid:113541 2007-12-21T10:39:45Z 2007-12-21T10:40:10Z im surrounded by misogynist shitheads. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:tokyoacid:113287 2007-12-18T05:50:36Z 2007-12-18T05:50:36Z so when i pulled up my guro file, all he said was that they were quite frankly disgusting.<br />so by extension, i guess that makes me quite disgusting.<br /><br />at least the rest of you, the ones that like you know, matter, would at least ask me what guro is. and then ask me why i liked it. and even if you didnt understand it. i know you would respect that i do like it. and you would understand why i did. or you know. youd try. because its part of me.<br /><br />why i like to see someone pretty and skinny and eviscerated. why i think thats so beautiful and heart wrenching and worth saving to the hard drive.<br /><br /><br />i hope he enjoyed fapping to my other files though.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />call me imamura. call me blue.<br />hope you liked the pictures.<br />say we will go to houston<br /><br /><br /><br />what is the opposite of radio silence<br />you are making me a better person.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />i dont need to hide behind xx. <br />i have only loved you. urn:lj:livejournal.com:atom1:tokyoacid:113058 2007-12-11T14:53:07Z 2007-12-11T14:53:07Z this medicine is totally not working anymore i dont think.<br />ive done nothing but sleep for three days and i have no one to really tell why.<br /><br />i mean there are people here, im just convinced they cannot hear me. they do not want to.<br />i will come to terms with it.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />matt lynn, before you move back to florida, can you please give me back the underwear i drunkenly took off at your home after nate's birthday.<br />i really liked those underwear. and they are consequently the only pair that my dog has not eaten, because they were safe with you.<br /><br />thanks.